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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28252608">It's Always Harder To Remember Than It Is To Forget But Sometimes Forgetting Is Hard Too</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LasciviousLemons/pseuds/LasciviousLemons'>LasciviousLemons</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gintama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gintama is an intimidating fandom, Lemon, Masturbation, NSFW, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Please be gentle, Porn With Plot, Slow Burn, Tags Are Hard, To Be Continued, To Be Edited, Work In Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:07:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,518</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28252608</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LasciviousLemons/pseuds/LasciviousLemons</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>His life had been too eventful for someone his age &amp; the scars of those experiences had etched their way into his soul, far deeper than any of the ones he carried on his body.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hijikata Toshirou/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He'd dreamed about her again. It wasn't anything solid, only feathery wisps of recollection floating at the edge of his mind, more feeling than memory, but it was enough to grasp on to, to know that it had definitely happened. His limbs felt limp &amp; malleable, like he might melt into the futon at any moment, but his chest ached, heavy &amp; filled with lead, grounding him in place. It was a familiar feeling, one that Hijikata was intimately acquainted with. One that he thought he'd snuffed out long ago.</p><p>He rolled onto his side &amp; lazily groped around for the pack of cigarettes that he kept at the head of his futon, right next to his sword. Victory in hand, he flopped back over, lit one up &amp; inhaled deeply, anticipating the moment that those first soothing notes of nicotine would set in.</p><p>He didn't know why he'd suddenly begun dreaming about Mitsuba again. When she died, he'd stopped dreaming altogether, his subconscious going dark &amp; quiet, mirroring the cold detachment of his days. His life had been too eventful for someone his age &amp; the scars of those experiences had etched their way into his soul, far deeper than any of the ones he carried on his body. He'd let the flames of his anger &amp; regret burn hot &amp; bright, spreading too fast to control, until they'd finally consumed him. When he'd met Mitsuba, it had been like rising from the ash, like he'd been given a second chance, &amp; it was for that very reason that he never regretted leaving her in Bushuu. But there was no escaping the cruel irony of fate &amp; Hijikata was destined to lose the ones he most desired to protect. It seemed only right that his dreams should return to ash along with the rest of him, crumbling &amp; scattering in the wake of his failure.</p><p>So why now?</p><p>He ran a hand through messy hair, the restless nights beginning to weigh on him. So much so that Kondou had begun questioning his well-being. If Hijikata had his way, he'd bury himself in work until even his subconscious was too exhausted to rear its ugly head, but the constant nagging of his overprotective Commander was becoming more bothersome than the dreams themselves &amp; he'd finally agreed to take a day off. The only question now was what to do with it.</p><p>He laid there for a while longer, contemplating his options. My Neighbor Pedoro was playing at the theatre. Maybe a movie &amp; lunch? That sounded like something a normal person would do with their free time.</p><p>Finally dragging himself out of bed, he dressed in a dark indigo yukata &amp; begrudgingly set out to tackle his assigned task of relaxing.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>-------</p>
</div><p>"Oi, oi. You, with the mayonnaise, would you mind leaving? Seeing you slop that into your mouth is going to ruin my appetite."</p><p>Hijikata immediately tensed. The way that lazy, self-important drawl interjected itself without invitation left no question as to the equally lazy lout it belonged to. After the movie, Hijikata had worked up an appetite from all the crying &amp; entered the first restaurant he'd come across. Of all the places, in all of Kabukichou...</p><p>"Then you should leave. Anyone who puts azuki on rice has no right to eat in public." he grumbled, not keen on engaging but unable to allow the bastard to run his mouth unchecked.</p><p>"Don't compare my Uji-Gintoki-don with your dog food."</p><p>"Dog food?"</p><p>Hijikata's eye twitched. <em>Did he just call mayonnaise dog food?!</em> He slammed his palms down on the counter &amp; pushed himself to his feet. The stool scraped loudly across the floor as he rose, drawing the attention of the other diners.</p><p>"You're the one who eats dog food! You filthy stray." he jabbed an accusing finger at the other man.</p><p>"Better to be a free stray than a whipped Bakufu lap dog. Isn't it almost time for your walk?"</p><p>"You...!" his body acted on reflex, a hundred altercations with the Yorozuya already ingrained in his muscles, the impatient itch of adrenaline coursing through him &amp; dictating his actions for him. "I'll take you for a walk!" he lunged at the incorrigible perm-head &amp; snatched him by the collar, dragging him to his feet.</p><p>"How can a dog take another dog for a walk? Huh? Huh?! At least try to keep up with the conversation!" the perm shouted, roughly clutching at Hijikata's yukata in retaliation.</p><p>"Who'd want to keep up with the thought process of a borderline diabetic <em>dumbass</em> like you?!"</p><p>"Hey! You shouldn't talk about a man's health like that! Gin-san can't help that he's so sweet. Is it a conscious decision for you to be such an uptight mayonnaise freak?"</p><p>Hijikata growled &amp; yanked the Yorozuya forward, unbalancing him enough to shift behind him &amp; secure him in a headlock. Today. Today was going to be the day he knocked the shit eating grin off that smug bastard's face once &amp; for all.</p><p>"Police brutality!" the perm-head yelped, his voice rasping as Hijikata tightened his hold.</p><p>A scuffle ensued, each trying to gain the upper hand. The Yorozuya threw his head back, the attempted headbutt missing its mark as Hijikata arched his back &amp; pulled his arm tighter across the perm's windpipe, lifting his feet from the floor.</p><p>Losing ground, but not about to be outdone, the silver-haired samurai pulled his knees to his chest &amp; planted his feet on the edge of the counter. Pushing off with full force, he launched himself backwards, sending both of them reeling.</p><p>Hijikata let out an <em>Oof!</em> as the heavier build of his opponent crushed him, the unexpected impact knocking the air from his lungs as they were sent sprawling onto a table. His vice-like grip around the perm's neck never faltered, even as what he was sure was a chopstick dug unforgivingly into his back. Dishes clattered &amp; crashed to the floor around them, the few remaining customers now fleeing lest they become a casualty of the all-out war that was currently taking place.</p><p>"At least... buy me... dinner... first!" the Yorozuya managed to choke out, the incessant smart-assery of his foe only fueling Hijikata's fury.</p><p>There was a loud <em>crack</em> &amp; the table buckled under the violence of their struggle. They began to fall. The Yorozuya used the momentum to throw his weight forward &amp; flip Hijikata headfirst over his shoulders. The two men spilled out of the shokudo &amp; into the street; Hijikata splayed on his back, groaning, the other on his hands &amp; knees, gasping for air.</p><p>"Thought I might pass out there for a second." the perm half-coughed, half-laughed. "Then what would you have done?"</p><p>"That's what I was trying to do!" Hijikata spat. He was already hauling himself up, albeit slowly, hand reflexively reaching for the sword that should have been at his hip, but he found nothing. That's right. He was off duty today.</p><p><em>Shit</em>.</p><p>"What now, Oogushi-kun?"</p><p>"Tch." he shoved his hand into his yukata &amp; pulled out a cigarette. His lunch had already been ruined; he wasn't about to spend the rest of his afternoon trading blows with this idiot in the middle of the street. "Stop fucking calling me that. It's Hijikata. <em>Hi-ji-ka-ta</em>. Or is that too many syllables for your sugar addled brain to handle? Asshole."</p><p>"Watch out, Danna!"</p><p>There was barely time to register the warning before a rocket was hurdling toward the pair of unsuspecting samurai. They scurried in opposite directions, diving to the ground &amp; taking cover as a fiery explosion erupted, fragments of earth &amp; debris raining down over them.</p><p>As the dust settled, a certain sandy-haired Captain approached, utterly fiendish grin darkening his youthful face &amp; a giant bazooka thrown casually over his shoulder.</p><p>"SOUGO!!!" Hijikata roared, his voice cracking with rage as he scrambled to his feet.</p><p>Okita's smile faded at the sight of his commanding officer, relatively unscathed, the usual aloofness settling back in.</p><p>"Oh, Hijikata-san. I didn't recognize you out of uniform. I thought you were some scumbag giving Danna here a hard time. Serve &amp; protect, y'know?"</p><p>"LIAR! You don't protect anyone!"</p><p>"You shouldn't yell so much. It's bad for your blood pressure." the perm-head's voice echoed from somewhere off in the distance, still recovering from the near-death experience.</p><p>"You're what's bad for my blood pressure..." Hijikata muttered under his breath, feeling the vein at his temple beginning to pulse. He snatched another cigarette from the crumpled pack, the last one having been blown away before he could light it. "And you! STOP trying to kill me all the time, you sadistic piece of shit!"</p><p>"Then hurry up &amp; die." Sougo deadpanned.</p><p>"Souichiro-kun!" the Yorozuya boomed, brushing the dirt from his yukata as he made his way over to the pair of officers. "Thank goodness you're here. I was being accosted by this tax-thief!"</p><p>"He's a tax-thief too!" Hijikata snapped irritably, realizing too late that he'd taken exception to the wrong part of that statement.</p><p>The perm snorted, amused.</p><p>Hijikata gritted his teeth in frustration, but turned his attention to his subordinate "Why are you here?"</p><p>"Gorilla-san sent me. There's an emergency."</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>-------</p>
</div><p>Hijikata dropped into his chair &amp; kicked his feet up onto his desk. His head fell back &amp; he stared at the ceiling, a cigarette dangling loosely between his lips. A steady plume of smoke swirled around him, languid &amp; smooth, wrapping him in a peaceful haze &amp; soothing his frayed nerves.</p><p>The "emergency" that Sougo had hunted him down for had consumed the rest of his afternoon &amp; dragged on into the early hours of the evening. Kondou had gotten himself arrested by the local police for stalking that cabaret hostess. Again. It always took a few bribes &amp; a lot of threats from the Demonic Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi to get him released quickly &amp;, more importantly, quietly. Of course, the entire Shinsengumi ranks already knew about their ridiculous leader &amp; his even more ridiculous obsession, but it was all Hijikata could do to ensure the gossip stopped there.</p><p>He lifted a heavy hand to his forehead &amp; massaged his temples. If this was how his days off were going to be, he thought it'd be better to never take one again.</p><p>“Tch.”</p><p>Hijikata took a long drag from his cigarette. The faint crackle of burning tobacco filled the room, a gentle glow gracing the darkness as the cherry burned just a little brighter on the inhale. He exhaled slowly, making a conscious effort to relax his shoulders. He was stiffer than usual &amp; there was a small, nagging twinge between his shoulder blades. A concentrated kind of ache, as if... as if he'd landed on a chopstick during a mid-day brawl.</p><p>He groaned, sliding his hand down to rub at his eyes, his deep voice resonating with a mixture of frustration &amp; regret as he reluctantly reflected on his run in with the Yorozuya.</p><p>
  <em>That idiot! Always dragging me into these bullshit situations...</em>
</p><p>But despite his best efforts to mentally curse the other man &amp; place all the blame where maybe only some of the blame was due, he was too exhausted to properly delude himself. Sure, that lackadaisical miscreant was a nuisance beyond compare, but it's not like Hijikata was exactly known for his restraint. The Yorozuya just happened to provide a convenient outlet. Not that the bastard wasn't asking for it most of the time.</p><p>Anger was something that Hijikata could understand. Heavy fists &amp; hard punches. Swinging his sword &amp; cutting down enemies without hesitation. These were the things that required little thought on his part. Anger was familiar &amp; uncomplicated &amp; so Hijikata often found himself all too ready to engage, all too ready to indulge in the simplicity of letting his instincts take over. It was the quiet moments that were hard on him.</p><p>He hissed, only realizing how long he'd allowed his thoughts to stray once his cigarette had burned down to the filter, the sharp sting of fire against his skin bringing him to his senses. Snubbing out what was left in the ashtray &amp; immediately lighting a new one, he filled the quiet with all the easy distractions that being Vice Commander afforded. He needed to adjust the patrol schedule so he could keep an eye on Kondou until this most recent stalking charge blew over. Yamazaki <em>still</em> hadn't submitted that report from his undercover investigation on those Joui rebels. &amp; Sougo... Sougo was going to find himself assigned to bathroom cleaning duty for the next two weeks.</p><p>
  <em>See if you're still smirking then, you little shit.</em>
</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>-------</p>
</div><p>"It's not my fault! It turns out people get really angry when you take their dirt."</p><p>"You're not supposed to <em>take</em> it. You have to pay for it!"</p><p>"For dirt? Pay for dirt?! It's dirt!"</p><p>"I swear to Enma, if you say 'dirt' one more time without actually producing any..."</p><p>Hijikata was on his afternoon patrol when he overheard the absurd argument emanating from a familiar shokudo. The Yorozuya's unmistakable voice was reaching new octaves as he complained, rebuking the kind of world that would charge for something that was put here by the gods. The other was clearly that of a woman, though Hijikata could only imagine the wielder, the rough, threatening tone painting a terrifying picture.</p><p>There was a massive crater obstructing the entrance of the tiny restaurant which was subsequently littered with at least half a dozen handwritten signs that said things like "We're still open!", "Don't be afraid!" &amp; "Godzilla was here!"</p><p>
  <em>How is that helping...</em>
</p><p>Against his better judgement, he jumped over the hollow pit &amp; ducked under the noren hanging in the doorway.</p><p> "Welcome!"</p><p>An inviting smile &amp; sweet voice greeted him as soon as he stepped inside. A young woman stood behind the counter, head slightly bowed, hands clasped demurely in front of her, almost as if she'd been expecting him. Could this really be the same person that he'd just heard arguing with the Yorozuya?</p><p>Speaking of which, standing next to her was an unruly mess of silver that could only belong to one, specific, idiot. Hijikata's eyes fell on the perm-head who didn't even have enough home training to turn around when someone entered the room. His back was to the door &amp; he was slightly hunched over, stuffing his face with something. The woman turned her head, following Hijikata's line of sight.</p><p>"Oi!" she smacked the Yorozuya harshly on the back of the head, causing him to briefly choke on whatever he was eating, but not enough to actually make him stop.</p><p>"Gimme that!" she snatched what looked like a plate of Castella from him. "Not until you fill that damn hole!"</p><p>"I have a hole that needs to be filled too.. by sugar!" the perm griped, lunging for the sweet cake, but the woman twisted out of his reach, dessert in one hand, the other coming up to grab him by the face &amp; push him backwards.</p><p>Hijikata haplessly watched the scene before him. They were practically wrestling at this point, arms flailing, cake swinging precariously. Two adults, if they could even be called that, so deeply involved in their battle over baked goods that they seemed to completely forget his presence altogether. He cleared his throat, becoming impatient.</p><p>Suddenly reminded of his existence, the woman immediately bowed, slamming her head into the perm's nose, causing him to tumble over, hands flying to his face as he disappeared below the counter, undoubtedly to writhe on the floor in agony.</p><p>
  <em>Oi! Was that on purpose?! It looked like it was on purpose!</em>
</p><p>"My apologies, sir! Please have a seat." she held out a hand, a serene smile embellishing her delicate features.</p><p>Hijikata would absolutely <em>not</em> have a seat. He was perfectly fine where he was, a respectable distance between him &amp; the unpredictable woman.</p><p>In a moment of weak-heartedness he'd decided to come offer his assistance, to make amends for the - very small - role he'd played in all of this, but he was now deeply regretting that decision.</p><p>"What the hell are <em>you</em> doing here?" the perm-head demanded, pulling himself to his feet, finally noticing Hijikata. "Didn't get your fill of assaulting innocent civilians yesterday? Now you're stalking me too?"</p><p>"Who would want to stalk you? All you do is eat parfaits &amp; read JUMP." Hijikata barked, already feeling himself being roped into another frivolous argument.</p><p>"Who <em>wouldn't</em> want to do that? Only a nervy bastard like you would see that as a negative!" the perm scoffed &amp; crossed his arms, exuding a completely unwarranted amount of confidence for someone who currently had blood trickling down their face.</p><p>Hijikata closed his eyes &amp; pinched the bridge of his nose against the tension that was steadily mounting at this entirely preposterous set of circumstances. Swallowing the urge to retaliate, he let out a long-suffering sigh, composed himself &amp; turned to the woman.</p><p>"So.." she spoke before he had a chance to. "You must be the mayo obsessed Vice Commander I've heard so much about."</p><p>The airy, accommodating tone from just a few moments ago had been replaced, tinged with an incriminating inflection now that he'd been identified as the other party responsible for the current state of affairs.</p><p>Placing the sad, abused Castella on the counter, she folded her arms across her chest &amp; carefully appraised the officer.</p><p>For the first time since he'd entered the restaurant, their eyes met &amp; he was seized by the deep, earthy warmth of amber &amp; onyx. Soulful yet untamed, like the soil of the most remote regions, where earthquakes reigned with the power to bring mountains to their knees.</p><p>He shifted under her scrutiny, unconsciously gripping his sword just a little tighter.</p><p>"Listen, let me give you some money for the damage."</p><p>Her eyebrows arched together &amp; she exhaled a quick puff of air through her nose, mouth quirking upward slightly as a small, dismissive sort of sound hummed in the back of her throat "I don't need your money."</p><p>Hijikata felt at a loss. He'd expected anger, maybe even for her to yell at him the way she had the Yorozuya, but the response he received now was something more akin to disappointment, quiet &amp; unsettling, &amp; he wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to do.</p><p>Turning her back on the officer, she busied herself with wetting a small towel &amp; dabbing it lightly against the Yorozuya's face, indicating that she was done with the conversation.</p><p>It wasn't that there was anything particularly remarkable about the act itself, rather, it was the unremarkable way she went about it that drew Hijikata's attention. The comfortable way she reached for the taller man. The casual touch of her hands as they rested on his cheeks, pulling him closer. The careless brush of her fingers against his lips as she wiped at crimson stains. It all felt so familiar, so effortlessly intimate. Even the way the Yorozuya responded, naturally reacting to her physical cues, leaning down to lessen the difference in height, patiently tilting his head this way &amp; that. It left Hijikata wondering just what sort of relationship they had with one another.</p><p>The Yorozuya, who was being uncharacteristically silent, eyed Hijikata as he let the woman tend to him. Hijikata bristled.</p><p>"I'd really feel a lot better if you'd let me compensate you for the damage I - <em>we</em> - caused." he bit out, eyeing the perm-head right back.</p><p>In the midst of being given the cold shoulder, Hijikata wondered if maybe a bloody nose wasn't the better option here.</p><p>With what appeared to be great effort, the woman managed to spare him an unimpressed glance from over her shoulder.</p><p>"Look, Johnny Law, let me clear something up. I don't care what you, he" she jerked her head, motioning toward the silver-haired man "or anyone else did. I don't want your filthy Bakufu money. Got it, <em>Vice Commander</em>?"</p><p>His title was said with such mock formality that, for a moment, Hijikata thought it was actually the Yorozuya talking through her.</p><p>
  <em>A stand?!</em>
</p><p>"If that's all you have to offer, I'm not interested." she folded up the towel, tossed it on the counter &amp; resolutely walked away, disappearing somewhere into the kitchen.</p><p>"You heard the lady." the perm-head shrugged, immediately reaching for the abandoned sweet cake now that it was safe to do so. "If you're looking to give away money though, Gin-san is happy to oblige."</p><p>"Shut up." Hijikata snarled, his hands balling into fists as he turned on his heel &amp; stomped away.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck it. I don't need this shit.</em>
</p><p>"Oi!"</p><p>The Yorozuya called out to him, but he was done listening.</p><p>Perhaps he should have though because in the next moment he was hit with the gut churning sensation of going for a step that wasn't there &amp; fell headfirst into the source of his frustration, taking out several signs on his way down.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>-------</p>
</div><p>Over the next week, Hijikata found himself including the shokudo on his daily patrols. The first couple of days, there hadn't been much of anything to note, but by the third day, he noticed fresh earth had been piled haphazardly into the hole. It was loose &amp; damp, various plants &amp; grass mixed in with the soil. Familiar voices rang out.</p><p>"What the fuck is that?"</p><p>"You said you wouldn't give me any more desserts until I filled the hole. It's filled. Now give me a parfait!"</p><p>"You clearly dug that up from down by the river. You can't use that for roads! It's not even completely filled!"</p><p>"Dirt is dirt, woman! Gin-san's blood sugar is reaching an all-time low here!"</p><p> </p><p>On the fourth day, it rained. The pit was now a giant mud hole, the deceptive depth claiming a victim as a middle-aged man slipped, fell in &amp; then slipped again while trying to haul himself out, effectively wallowing around like a pig in shit. After what seemed like an eternity, the man finally found his footing &amp; managed to escape, shambling down the street with a ruined cigarette hanging from his mouth &amp; stubbornly donning a pair of mud-caked sunglasses despite very obviously being unable to see.</p><p>Hijikata grimaced. This was getting dangerous. Not that he'd expected anything less from the Yorozuya. Of course that lazy bastard couldn't be trusted to do the job right. And what the hell was that woman's problem? Why wouldn't she just accept the money he'd offered? Why was she being so damn stubborn?</p><p>He pulled a cigarette from his jacket, agitation beginning to prickle at his nerves as he tried to fathom the seemingly boundless stupidity of the pair of jackasses he'd gotten mixed up with. He was going to put an end to this.</p><p>He watched as the same shabby vagrant once again found himself floundering in the sinkhole.</p><p>
  <em>This city is full of idiots.</em>
</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>-------</p>
</div><p>Hijikata was an idiot. Why the hell else would he be out here, in the middle of the night, shoveling lime &amp; sand into a crater made by someone who'd been attempting to assassinate him at the time?</p><p>Having decided that his only recourse was to take matters into his own hands, he'd dragged Sougo out of bed, forced him - at sword point - to load the necessary provisions from the Shinsengumi supply house into the police cruiser &amp; driven them to the all too familiar shokudo. Although, in hindsight, bringing Sougo along had been more trouble than it was worth.</p><p>"Hey, Hijikata-san. I left my flute at the barracks. I'm going to go get it."</p><p>"Be sure to shove it up your ass when you find it." Hijikata grunted, slamming the back of his shovel down, using it to pack the sand mixture securely in place.</p><p>"I'm taking the car. You're too dirty to ride in it anyway." Sougo stated flatly, sauntering away.</p><p>"And whose fault is that?!"</p><p>The only contribution Okita had made tonight was attempting to bury Hijikata alive. Twice. At least he'd inadvertently helped to fill the hole in the process.</p><p>
  <em>Shitty brat...</em>
</p><p>Hijikata's back ached &amp; his muscles burned. He was drenched in sweat, despite the crisp night air, &amp; the dirt that clung to him was becoming damp &amp; cakey, sticking to his clothes &amp; skin uncomfortably. His breath came out in labored huffs &amp; puffs, punctuated by profanities, &amp; the heat rising off his body mingled with the smoke from the cigarette clenched tightly between his teeth, clouding around him in a hellish aura.</p><p>"Hey, Vice Commander."</p><p>He froze, the prickly electric shock of being caught red handed causing all of the hairs on the back of his neck to stand on end. Then, he panicked, throwing the shovel aside &amp; laughing wildly, hands propping on his hips in an utterly pathetic attempt to act natural.</p><p>"HAHAHA WHAT A NICE NIGHT FOR A WALK!"</p><p>
  <em>That's the best you could come up with?!</em>
</p><p>His voice was strained &amp; extremely loud, even to himself. He heard the quiet snort of suppressed laughter &amp; sighed, accepted his fate &amp; turned to face his assailant.</p><p>She leaned in the doorway, arms casually folded into the sleeves of her yukata. Warm light spilled out of the restaurant, wrapping her in an appealing glow &amp; accentuating the outline of her silhouette. Her dark hair hung loosely, the subtle gleam of streetlights catching on silky tresses.</p><p>There was an unfamiliar stirring in Hijikata's chest, little restless flurries swirling senselessly &amp; tickling at his insides. The peculiar sensation caught him off guard, leaving him dazed &amp; disoriented.</p><p>
  <em>What the hell was that about?</em>
</p><p>But he didn’t have much time to ponder the topic as the woman pushed off the doorframe &amp; made her way over, a playful smirk tugging at her lips, eyes soft with amusement.</p><p>"Looks like one hell of a walk." she teased, reaching up to brush a clump of dirt from his hair.</p><p>It was such a simple gesture, yet it left Hijikata tensing at the unexpected contact, suddenly all too aware of how close she was, too sensitive to the way her fingers combed through his hair, his scalp tingling with the aftershock of her touch. His face felt flushed &amp; not from physical labor. He took a small step back, shrinking into the shadows to hide the unbidden blush that was surely tainting his cheeks.</p><p>"Yeah, well." he mumbled, a hand rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck.</p><p>She exhaled a quiet chuckle but mercifully did not push him for more. "Come on. Let's get you cleaned up."</p><p>Hijikata's mind desperately searched for an excuse, a way to politely refuse, but his legs were already moving, heedlessly carrying him further from the uncomplicated safety of his self-imposed isolation &amp; into the unknown.</p><p> </p><p>He followed her inside &amp; back through the kitchen, ducking his head as they ascended the narrow stairway that led to the modest living space above the restaurant. It consisted of only a single room &amp; adjoining washroom, sparsely decorated but providing all the comforts of home. There was a tranquil ambiance; the soft, forgiving glow of paper lanterns; the calming scent of mint &amp; eucalyptus; the occasional tinkling of wind chimes blowing in the late-night breeze. It soothed Hijikata's overworked nerves &amp; eased the tension in his tight muscles.</p><p>Left to his own devices as she rummaged around the closet, he found his eyes wandering, inadvertently settling on the futon in the center of the room. The sheets were tossed &amp; wrinkled from where she had last slept &amp; the pillows were bunched up, the subtle impression of her body still visible in the downy fabric. He quickly averted his eyes, staring at the floor instead, feeling somewhat guilty about the unguarded glimpse into her private life.</p><p>"Here." she handed him a wadded-up ball of fabric "It's wrinkled but it's clean."</p><p>She directed him to the washroom with instructions to bathe &amp; meet her downstairs when he was done &amp;, with that, Hijikata was left to agonize over the unlikely chain of events that had led to him relying on the kindness of what was basically a stranger.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div><p>He was mistaken. This was not kindness. This was the universe playing a cruel joke on him. This was payback for all the terrible things he'd done. This was bullshit.</p><p>Hijikata stared at his reflection, clad in a signature white yukata with flamboyant blue swirls.</p><p>He regretted every decision he'd ever made in life, every choice that had led him here, to wearing that insufferable perm-head's clothing. She had already collected his soiled yukata from where he'd left it outside the bathroom door &amp; he briefly wondered if walking back to the barracks naked would be less insulting to his pride. No. He couldn't... Could he?</p><p>As his internal debate subsided, finally determining that he should not expose himself to half of Edo, it made room for another intrusive thought to needle at the back of his mind, relentlessly nagging until he had no choice but to let it in.</p><p>
  <em>Why does she have this?</em>
</p><p>And why did he care?</p><p> </p><p>When he went downstairs, he was greeted by a delicious aroma that made him realize just how hungry he actually was. His mouth watered &amp; his stomach growled loudly, announcing his presence.</p><p>"Hey! That looks good on you! Matches your eyes. But don't tell Gin I said so." she winked.</p><p>It hit him like a landslide, all chaos &amp; confusion. The compliment had the tips of his ears burning but the mention of the Yorozuya had his jaw clenching &amp; so he found a foothold in the familiarity of harsh words.</p><p>"I will literally never speak of this to anyone. And neither will you if you know what's good for you."</p><p>His gruff voice came out sounding more severe than he'd intended &amp; there was a short-lived flare of remorse in the pit of his stomach - or was that hunger? - but she just laughed good-naturedly, entirely immune to his threats.</p><p>"Sit." she instructed, setting a large plate with an enormous helping of omurice on the counter.</p><p>Hijikata didn't have to be told twice. He all but drooled at the meal in front of him. There was only one thing that could make this better…</p><p>She placed a bottle of mayonnaise next to the plate.</p><p>"That's all I've got so you'll have to make do."</p><p><em>Praise Hotei!</em> Hijikata stifled the squeal of elation that threatened to burst of out him &amp; managed an even-toned "Thank you" instead.</p><p>The woman stared as he emptied the entire contents of the bottle onto his food &amp; began shoveling it into his mouth.</p><p>"I'll try not to take that as a slight against my cooking."</p><p>"No!" he blurted out too quickly, mouth still full. "It's just.." he swallowed, feeling slightly embarrassed for reacting so easily to her teasing "I like mayonnaise."</p><p>A decanter of sake had been warming &amp; she produced two ceramic cups from under the counter. He expected yet another comment about how "unhealthy" his "affliction" was, but it never came, just a passing hum of acknowledgment as she served the officer before pouring for herself.</p><p>"To dirt roads, for our paths may have never crossed without them."</p><p>"Tch."</p><p>Hijikata scowled at the cheeky toast but raised his drink anyway. He caught the tail end of a lopsided grin as she brought her cup to her lips &amp; it made him think that maybe dirt roads weren't so bad after all.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div><p>The satisfying heat of the alcohol was slowly spreading throughout his body &amp; the mild scent of mint &amp; eucalyptus still clung to his borrowed clothes, pleasantly dulling his senses. His stomach was full, sated on mayo &amp; sake, &amp; Hijikata couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this content.</p><p>She was laughing, the high blush of drink dusting her cheeks in the most delicate shade of pink, nothing like the ruddy splotches smearing his own face. He didn't recall saying anything particularly funny, but he found himself smiling along anyway.</p><p>"I can't believe your Commander is a gorilla!"</p><p>"I never said that!"</p><p>Her eyes were beginning to water, tears shinning like precious jewels beneath dusky lashes &amp; he was overcome by the sudden, inexplicable desire to touch them, to sweep them away with his thumb. His fingers twitched with impulse &amp; he clenched his hand, holding back the impatient need for contact. Thankfully, she brought the sleeve of her yukata up, dabbing them away &amp; inadvertently saving him from his stupor.</p><p>They'd finished off several bottles of sake &amp;, before he knew it, several hours had also passed. The distant chatter of waking birds told him that it had gone from late to early &amp; it wouldn't be long before all the mysterious promise of night gave way to the harsh reality of day. He needed to get back to the barracks &amp; change before the men started getting up for morning drills.</p><p> </p><p>"Goodnight, Vice Commander. Don't be a stranger."</p><p>She stood in the doorway, arms casually folded into the sleeves of her yukata, &amp; Hijikata found it oddly appropriate that the night should end just as it'd begun, as though time had never really passed &amp; everything in between had been some distant reverie, beholden to the walls of the tiny shokudo.</p><p>"It's Hijikata. Hijikata Toushirou." he offered, lighting a cigarette as he walked away.</p><p>"Goodnight, Toushirou."</p><p>It was just loud enough for him to hear but that was all it took for those incessant little flurries to explode into sparks, raining embers down into his stomach where they smoked &amp; smoldered all the way back to the barracks.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You sure got back late last night, Hijikata-san."</p><p>The universe continued to torment the officer, who was presently trapped on a stakeout with the Prince of Sadists himself &amp; no escape in sight. Sougo was not-so-discretely interrogating him as they sat in the police cruiser.</p><p>"Maybe I would have gotten back sooner if <em>someone</em> hadn't left me to walk home." he countered.</p><p>"Oh? It should have only taken about an hour I'd say. What about the other three?"</p><p>He really didn't feel like dealing with this right now. Sougo was right; it had taken him just about an hour to walk back to the barracks. The breaking dawn had been hot on his heels the entire way, leaving him just enough time to sneak into his room, quickly change &amp; meet the men for morning drills.</p><p>His muscles howled in agony as he'd led them through their daily practice, exhausted &amp; begging for respite. The impending hangover that had been lurking finally hit him full force, rolling &amp; roiling &amp; pushing against his skull until his vision had gone blurry. Somehow, he'd managed not to pass out, to survive just a little longer, only to be shoved into a car with the one person who delighted in his suffering more than any other.</p><p>"Concerned about me, were you?" he muttered wryly, busying himself with his binoculars &amp; scanning the area for any sign of the Joui patriots they were meant to be tailing.</p><p>"More like concerned for that poor lady."</p><p>"What the hell are you talking about?"</p><p>He knew he was going to regret asking.</p><p>"First you destroyed her restaurant, now you're hanging around outside at all hours of the night. That's not a good look for the Shinsengumi's Vice Commander. Don't you think one stalker is enough? Do we really need another?"</p><p>Hijikata spluttered, dropping his binoculars &amp; snapping his head around incredulously. A wave of nausea hit him at the sudden motion.</p><p>"Who destroyed the restaurant?! That walking perm started all this! And YOU caused the most damage of all!"</p><p>"Denial is the first defense of a stalker." Sougo drawled, gazing listlessly out the window.</p><p>"I'M NOT A STALKER!"</p><p>"Oi, look."</p><p>Their target was finally on the move.</p><p>"Let's go."</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div><p>They'd lost sight of their mark when he'd slipped down a side alley &amp; were left with no choice but to return to the barracks empty handed. Feeling defeated &amp; still nursing a lingering hangover, Hijikata wanted nothing more than a hot bath, a big bottle of mayonnaise &amp; to get some much-needed sleep. Unfortunately, the last one would continue to elude him.</p><p>That night he dreamed of red. Of fire &amp; blood. Of thick vines with sharp thorns that coiled &amp; choked.</p><p>He dreamed of his brother.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>-------</p>
</div><p>Hijikata sat hunched over a stack of papers, cigarette in one hand, the other sifting through yet another of Yamazaki's unintelligible reports, looking for something, <em>anything</em>, that might actually be useful in their search for the Jouishishi hideout. His eyelids weighed heavily &amp; he caught himself drifting off more than once, jerking awake with a start after his face collided with the hard wood of his desk.</p><p>He cursed &amp; irritably rubbed at his now throbbing nose.</p><p>
  <em>What the hell is wrong with me?</em>
</p><p>His days were much the same, aside from the mind-numbing exhaustion that clung to him; a constant, unwanted companion. But the nights... the nights echoed with voices of the past, whispering in the dark &amp; setting his dreams aflame so he woke sweaty &amp; panting. Old ghosts had come back to haunt him, waiting in the shadows to strike when he was at his most vulnerable.</p><p>Maybe he was finally losing his mind.</p><p>"Tch. Just get on with it then." he violently ground out his cigarette, willing whatever unnatural force that was toying with him to hurry up &amp; put him out of his misery.</p><p>He didn't know why this was happening, only that it had been getting progressively worse as the weeks dragged on.</p><p>As if the dreams weren't enough, nothing could have prepared him for the round-the-clock hovering &amp; suffocating worry that Kondou had subjected him to over the last few days. Hijikata was more acutely aware than anyone of the physical toll this was taking on him, he didn't need that big ape hanging all over him. It had gotten to the point that he actually preferred Sougo's patronizing remarks about his disheveled appearance or the dark circles under his eyes to the tearful way Kondou looked at him every time they passed each other.</p><p>After a particularly disgraceful display in the training yard earlier that morning, Hijikata had promptly barricaded himself in his office.</p><p>
  <em>That blubbering buffoon...</em>
</p><p>There were plenty of things their Commander should be worrying about &amp; his shitty sleep schedule wasn't one of them.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, Hijikata-san."</p><p>"What?!" he snarled, hoping to chase off whatever interloper dared to disturb him.</p><p>But neither the closed door nor his demonic tone were enough to deter the train wreck that was Okita Sougo.</p><p>The shoji slowly slid open, stopping halfway to reveal a white &amp; blue yukata dangling in the doorway.</p><p>
  <em>Oh no. No, no, no!</em>
</p><p>Wide, bloodshot eyes gradually peered around the edge of the door, closely followed by a sick, sadistic grin, all teeth &amp; curled lips. The room went heavy &amp; still. Malicious intent radiated from the figure in the hall, almost palpable as it crept closer, rendering Hijikata immobile. It was like something out of a Junji Ito manga.</p><p>"What's this, Hijikata-san?"</p><p>Overpowering the initial horror, he leapt to his feet &amp; hurled himself across the room in a desperate attempt to retrieve the shameful article, but Sougo was faster. He easily sidestepped Hijikata's attack &amp; yanked the yukata out of his grasp with a dramatic flourish.</p><p>"I was just giving you a hard time the other day, but you really <em>are</em> a stalker." he hummed thoughtfully, thoroughly enjoying himself. "Does Danna know about your affections?"</p><p>Hijikata whirled around &amp; drew his sword "I'm not a stalker! It's--It's not what it looks like! Now give me that!"</p><p>"Oh? It looks like you were hiding another man's clothing in your room. Is that not the case?"</p><p>"No! I mean, sort of. Why were you in my room?!"</p><p>"Now, now, Hijakata-san. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Love makes people do crazy things."</p><p>"Listen to me, Sougo." Hijikata spoke calmly, taking one hand off his sword &amp; holding it up in surrender, much like one would do when attempting to soothe a wild beast. "I'll tell you everything you want to know if you just hand it over."</p><p>Seeing through the attempt to lull him into a false sense of security, the Captain widened his stance, yukata clasped tightly in hand, ready to flee at the slightest hint of movement on Hijikata's part.</p><p>"Negotiating with the enemy, Vice Commander? Isn't that grounds for seppuku?"</p><p>"You're the one who needs to commit seppuku!" Hijikata lunged, swinging his sword in a wide arc. "I'll kill you!"</p><p>This time, when Sougo leapt out of the way, he connected with something solid, knocking him off balance &amp; causing him to drop his valuable blackmail. Both men pounced for the garment.</p><p>"Toushi!!! Sougo!!! I'm so happy to see you spending time together!"</p><p>Apparently, the commotion had drawn the attention of a wild gorilla.</p><p>Kondou made a grab for the samurai. Sougo managed to scurry backwards across the room, only stopping when his back hit the wall. Hijikata, on the other hand, had been unable to escape &amp; was now on the receiving end of a bone-crushing ape-hug. He struggled &amp; squirmed, leaning as far away from the pooling mess of tears &amp; snot as he could.</p><p>"Sougo... do.. something...!" he choked out, barely able to breathe.</p><p>Sougo gathered his strength, pulled himself to his feet, &amp; ran.</p><p>
  <em>Fucking traitor!</em>
</p><p>At least he'd gotten the yukata back...</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>-------</p>
</div><p>In an insomnia induced moment of spontaneity, he'd decided to return the borrowed garment, to get it out of his possession before it could cause any more trouble. That in itself wasn't an issue, but the fact that he'd lost all sense of time in his sleep deprived state &amp; found himself outside the modest shokudo at just shy of midnight was.</p><p>
  <em>I should have just burned it.</em>
</p><p>He stared at the restaurant. There was no choice. He would have to come back another day. There was no way he could justify showing up in the middle of the night like this. Not a second time. Not if he wanted to maintain plausible deniability against Sougo's stalking allegations.</p><p>Just as he was turning to leave, the door flew open &amp; a heaping mass of uncoordinated muscle came stumbling out &amp; slammed right into him.</p><p>"Hey, watch where you're going!"</p><p>"Me?! You're the one who..."</p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p><p>"Mayora? What are you doing here?"</p><p>The question was less hostile &amp; more one of genuine bewilderment as the silver-haired man squinted at him.</p><p>"I -- uhm -- uh.."</p><p>What was he supposed to say?? Oh. Just returning your clothes that, gods willing, you have no idea I borrowed.</p><p>
  <em>I definitely should have burned it!</em>
</p><p>"Toushirou?"</p><p>He didn't know if he was relieved to see her in that moment or not as she sidled up beside the Yorozuya.</p><p>His chest felt like it was caving in, the sudden pressure squeezing a feeble breath from his lungs that escaped in the form of a quiet "Hi", absconding with the last remaining shred of his dignity.</p><p>"Hi." she replied with a giggle, clasping a hand over her mouth.</p><p>Though she was considerate enough to try to hide it, Hijikata could see an amused grin peeking at him between delicate fingers. Was he doomed to make an ass of himself <em>every</em> time they met?</p><p>"Toushirou?" the perm-head noiselessly mouthed, eyes shifting between the woman &amp; Hijikata.</p><p>He blinked a few times, the slow dawn of realization finally spreading over his stupid face as he puffed up his chest &amp; took a small, staggering step toward the officer.</p><p>"What <em>are</em> you doing here, <em>Toushirou</em>?" he asked again, a bit more coherently.</p><p>The jackass was totally shit-faced, but the threatening undertone in his voice was not at all lost on Hijikata. He raised to his full height, instinctively squaring up against the other man.</p><p>"Don't call me that."</p><p>"Oh ho ho. What's wrong, <em>Toushirou</em>? I'm just being friendly. Aren't we all friends here, <em>Toushirou</em>?" he took another step forward, crowding the officer's space. "Y'know, you still haven't answered my question."</p><p>Hijikata held his ground, refusing to yield even an inch to the arrogant bastard.</p><p>"It's none of your fucking business &amp; I'm telling you, if you call me that again I won't be responsible for what happens."</p><p>"And I'm telling you it is my fucking business &amp; I'll call you whatever I want, Toush--"</p><p>A fist suddenly collided with the Yorozuya's jaw, but it wasn't Hijikata's.</p><p>"That's enough, Gintoki!"</p><p>Despite the ridiculous size difference, the force was enough to send the inebriated man stumbling, tripping over his own feet, &amp; landing ass first in the street.</p><p>Hijikata gawked.</p><p>The woman moved to kneel beside the Yorozuya. There was a quiet exchanging of words that Hijikata couldn't quite make out, but it was followed by a deep chuckle from the perm &amp; then she was helping him to his feet.</p><p>He couldn't help but watch as she fussed with the man's clothing, carefully readjusting the sleeve of his yukata that had fallen off his shoulder. Couldn't help but notice way her palms pressed against his chest, smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt. There it was again. That easy, unencumbered intimacy that made him question if he should really be here after all.</p><p>The pair made their way over &amp; Hijikata cleared his throat, suddenly feeling like a third wheel.</p><p>"Listen --"</p><p>"Come inside." she cut him off with a friendly smile, leaving little room to object.</p><p>He still tried. "No, I don't think that's --" but he was once again interrupted, this time by a heavy hand on his shoulder.</p><p>"Easy, Mayora. I'm leaving." the Yorozuya gave a firm squeeze before letting go &amp; inexplicably walking away. "Don't do anything I would do!" he added obnoxiously, waving a hand in the air as he made his way down the street.</p><p>Hijikata was dumbfounded. Just a few moments ago they’d been on the verge of exchanging blows &amp; now... Well, now the perm-head was acting like it had never even happened.</p><p>
  <em>What the hell did she say to him?</em>
</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div><p>He sat at the counter while she warmed a decanter of sake. It was only now that he realized she was wearing her sleeping robes &amp; his self-consciousness skyrocketed. He really was an idiot.</p><p>“Hey, I’m sorry if I interrupted anything.”</p><p>“Hmm?” she tilted her head curiously. “You mean Gin?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>There was a dismissive snort of laughter “Don’t worry about that. He’s always here raiding my kitchen for sweets.”</p><p>“I see.” Somehow that didn’t make Hijikata feel any better. “And, uh, how do you know the Yoro... Gintoki?” he asked despite himself.</p><p>Setting out two ceramic cups, she poured for the officer before serving herself, reminiscent of their last encounter “I think that’s a story for another time.”</p><p>The words were accompanied by a ghost of a smile, tight-lipped &amp; fleeting, the unmistakable shade of melancholy imbuing her umber eyes. It was brief, a momentary slip in expression that could have easily been overlooked if one wasn't paying close attention but, as it happened, Hijikata was.</p><p>“A better question might be, to what do I owe the pleasure of this unexpected visit?” she inquired, playfulness restored.</p><p>Hijikata inwardly grimaced, probably outwardly too, as he produced the accursed yukata from inside the breast of his own &amp; laid it on the counter.</p><p>“I thought I should return this.”</p><p>“You certainly have an odd sense of timing.”</p><p>“Sorry…” he drained his cup in a single gulp, knowing full well that this was going to come up eventually but was no less embarrassed by it. “I didn’t realize how late it was until I was already here.”</p><p>“Can’t sleep?”</p><p>“How’d you know?”</p><p>“You look like shit.” she chortled, pouring him a refill.</p><p>“I’ve been having these dreams lately..”</p><p>
  <i>Why did I just say that??</i>
</p><p>His breath hitched in this throat &amp; he swallowed thickly, choking on the bitterness of instant regret. Normally, he would be the last person on earth to willingly offer up details about his personal life &amp; he was more than a little taken aback by how readily he found himself sharing. Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, he waited, dreading the moment that he was asked to elaborate.</p><p>She leaned forward, resting both elbows on the counter, &amp; sipped her drink. Perceptive eyes studied him from over the rim of her cup, thoughtful yet unassuming "Sounds rough."</p><p>And that was it. No follow up questions. No unsolicited outpour of sympathy. Only her quiet, unobtrusive acknowledgement &amp; he was promptly reminded of why he'd felt so at ease in the first place. A silent sigh of relief slipped past his lips &amp; he found himself leaning in just a little closer, carelessly letting himself be drawn in like an unsuspecting moth to flame.</p><p> </p><p>They chatted idly, swapping stories about strange customers &amp; despicable subordinates, &amp; it wasn’t long before they were polishing off their third bottle of sake. Hijikata yawned, the alcohol &amp; pleasurable company lulling him into a rare state of relaxation. His eyelids were unbearably heavy &amp; he was having trouble keeping them open.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> ---</p>
</div><p>Something soft &amp; warm was tickling his forehead, teasing at his bangs &amp; tracing the line of his brow. It felt nice.</p><p>“Toushirou..” a gentle voice beckoned.</p><p>He opened his eyes - when had they closed? - the edges of his vision fuzzy with sleep.</p><p>“Hey, Toushirou. Let’s go to bed.”</p><p>“Hnn?”</p><p>She was beside him, hefting his arm over her shoulders &amp; leaning in close to wrap her arms around his torso. Hauling him to his feet, she guided him through the kitchen, supporting most of his weight despite her notably smaller frame.</p><p>“You’ll have to help me out a little here, big guy.”</p><p>They had come to a standstill in front of the stairs. Mustering every last ounce of strength, Hijikata began his ascent, climbing the steps one by one, relying on sheer force of will to keep moving forward.</p><p>“Watch your -- !”</p><p>
  <em>Whack!</em>
</p><p>“… head.”</p><p>“Fuck!”</p><p>He could feel her body, still pressed close for support, shaking with suppressed laughter.</p><p> </p><p>A few more steps &amp; then he was falling, deadweight dropping onto the futon below. It was so soft &amp; he was overwhelmed by the comforting scent of mint &amp; eucalyptus; <em>her</em> scent. She was carding her fingers through his hair again &amp; he could feel the last of his consciousness slipping away.</p><p>“M’sorry…” he whispered, no longer able to fight it, &amp; let his eyes drift shut “so.. tired..”</p><p>“Shhh.”</p><p>And finally, after too many restless nights to count, Hijikata slept.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He stretched languidly, appreciating the way the soft sheets glided against his skin as he repositioned. There was a slight chill to the air, but the futon was warm &amp; welcoming as he nestled deeper into the pillows. His body felt light &amp; refreshed, as if a heavy weight had been lifted, &amp; he laid there a while, eyes closed, taking time to savor just how damn <em>good</em> he felt for a change. The dulcet staccato of wind chimes rang pleasantly in his ears.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Wind chimes?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>His eyes snapped open &amp; he shot upright. Recent events came flooding back with startling clarity &amp; there was no suppressing the groan that spilled out of him as he buried his face in his hands.</p><p>Thoughts racing, he clambered out of bed &amp; set to work readjusting his yukata. He did his best to smooth out the wrinkles &amp; creases that had stubbornly imbedded themselves in the fabric but was largely unsuccessful, settling instead on retying his obi. Looking out the window, he took a small amount of solace in the fact that it was still dark. At least he couldn’t have slept for very long.</p><p>“Good morning.”</p><p>Hijikata startled &amp; spun around. She was leaning at the top of the stairs, a cheeky smile playing at her lips. She was no longer in her sleeping robes, instead donning a simple light blue yukata with the sleeves tied back. Her long hair was also pulled back in a low, messy bun, unruly wisps &amp; curls breaking free here &amp; there to dance along the collar of her yukata, drawing Hijikata’s attention to the graceful curve of her neck.</p><p>“How long was I out?” he asked, hoping that he could still make it back to the barracks before dawn.</p><p>“Well...”</p><p>Pushing off the banister, she casually made her way over, closing the distance between them until she was standing in front of him. She reached up, gently smoothing the bangs of his sleep-tousled hair back into their natural V shape &amp; it was all Hijikata could do to stop himself from leaning into it.</p><p>“It’s almost 10 o’clock, so about eighteen hours.”</p><p>“Eigh.. teen... wha... huh?!”</p><p>
  <em>There’s no way!</em>
</p><p>No way could he have passed out for that long! If that were true, Kondou was probably in full panic mode by now. Hell, he wouldn’t be surprised if the entirety of the Shinsengumi police force were out looking for him right at that very moment. How was he going to explain this?</p><p>As he tried to reconcile his rendezvous with oblivion, he was ultimately confronted with the matter of that <em>other</em> problem he’d been having &amp; suddenly found himself far more preoccupied with trying to figure out how he’d managed to sleep so soundly than worrying about any of the possible repercussions.</p><p>“I-I’m sorry... I don’t know what came over me..” he stammered, genuinely mortified that he’d not only fallen asleep after unexpectedly showing up at her door in the middle of the night but had then proceeded to hold her bed hostage for nearly 24 hours. And then something else occurred to him “Where, uh, where did you sleep?”</p><p>“Don’t worry” she flashed a mischievous smirk “Your honor is still intact, officer.”</p><p>“That’s not what I meant!”</p><p>There was an all too familiar prickle of heat rising on his skin &amp; he silently cursed his body for being so eager to betray him.</p><p>She breathed a soft laugh, amused by how easy it was to get a rise out of him, &amp; nodded in the direction of a small couch against the far wall. Hijikata hadn’t noticed it before, but when he looked over, there was a blanket &amp; pillow still laying out.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” he repeated gravely. He hated the idea of being a burden, of showing weakness, &amp; this wasn't the first time he'd found himself acting out of character in her presence. “Please forgive my rudeness.”</p><p>“There’s nothing to apologize for.” her tone was gentle but firm, disregarding his apology with a wave of her hand as though it were something entirely unwarranted. “Next time, you’re sharing though.”</p><p>
  <em>Next time?</em>
</p><p>Hijikata knew she was teasing him, but he couldn’t deny how even the thought of sharing a bed with her sent a thrill of anxious excitement fluttering through his chest.</p><p>“Understood.”</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>-------</p>
</div><p>When he’d returned to the barracks, he’d fully expected there to be an uproar. He was the Vice Commander after all &amp; there was no way his sudden, unexplained absence could have possibly gone unnoticed. What he hadn’t expected, however, was for Kondou, along with every other member of the Shinsengumi, to be under the impression that he was dead.</p><p>It seemed Sougo had used his impromptu sleepover as an opportunity to tell everyone that he’d died from eating rotten mayonnaise &amp; had selflessly offered to assume the role of Vice Commander in his stead. <em></em></p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>
  <em>Conniving little shit...</em>
</p><p>The worst part wasn’t that Sougo had done such a thing - a fox may go grey but never good - it was that everyone had so readily believed him. <em></em></p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>
  <em>As if mayonnaise would ever betray me like that.</em>
</p><p>Kondou especially seemed to have a hard time accepting that the disciplined &amp; notoriously rigid Hijikata Toushirou had taken a sick day - which is what Hijikata was calling it - &amp; had not actually died. He kept casting Hijikata wary glances &amp; poking him to make sure that he wasn’t a ghost.</p><p>Lighting what was easily his tenth cigarette of the night, Hijikata laid there, letting his mind wander in the absence of sleep. Despite the commotion caused by his apparent resurrection, they had actually made some solid progress on the Jouishishi investigation over the last few days. Yamazaki’s exceptional plainness had finally paid off &amp; he’d been able to infiltrate the local faction where they believed Joui patriot &amp; leader, the dangerous &amp; elusive Katsura Kotarou, to be hiding. They were set to raid the place later that day.</p><p>It was nearing 4am &amp; Hijikata’s muscles were sore. A dull, ever-present throbbing had developed between his shoulders from night after night of forcing himself to lay there, waiting on the off chance that he might drift off for a few, uninterrupted moments of sleep before his dreams came crashing in &amp; snatched it away. He couldn’t take it anymore.</p><p>Taking a final drag from his cigarette, he resolutely snuffed it out &amp; hauled himself out of bed. There were still a couple of hours before the men started getting up, he might as well take advantage of the empty showers while he still could.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div><p>The hot water felt amazing. He rested a forearm against the wall &amp; leaned forward, allowing the scorching heat to pelt his achy back. The tile was cool as he pressed his forehead against it &amp; he exhaled a long, weary sigh. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d gotten a good night’s rest.</p><p>That wasn’t true.</p><p>He remembered exactly when it was, he just tried not to think about it &amp;, by trying not to think about it, he once again found himself thinking about it.</p><p>He closed his eyes, trying to avoid the seemingly inevitable conclusion that he kept arriving at. It was getting harder &amp; harder to ignore each time he thought about it. It was getting harder &amp; harder to ignore the effect she had on him.</p><p>He thought about the warm press of her body against his, guiding him toward her bed, &amp; a quiver coursed through him, settling at the base of his spine as a deep tingle.</p><p>He thought about the gentle caress of her fingers on his skin &amp; in his hair &amp; the tingle spread into his lower abdomen, coiling tight &amp; hot.</p><p>He imagined those same fingers clutching &amp; curling in pleasure &amp; his hand was on his stomach, gradually drifting toward the heat that was now pooling between his legs.</p><p>
  <em>What am I doing?</em>
</p><p>His mind hesitated but his hand kept going, reaching for his hardening length. Surrendering to impulse, he gripped his cock firmly &amp; gave it a few slow tugs.</p><p>“<em>Next time…</em> “</p><p>He thought about the way her lips quirked ever so slightly when she said it, like she knew exactly what she was doing to him.</p><p>He thought about the easy way she said his name, like it belonged to her, &amp; he imagined her moaning it instead.</p><p>His hand squeezed tighter, pumping faster, thumb rubbing over the head with each stroke. He was achingly hard &amp; could have came right then &amp; there if he’d wanted to, but he dragged it out, riding the edge of his orgasm just a little longer until his breaths became ragged &amp; uneven. The tightness in his testicles was building &amp; his cock twitched impatiently. His hips couldn’t hold still any longer &amp; thrust forward, fucking into his fist.</p><p>“Nngh… shit!”</p><p>Hijikata’s head fell back as he came &amp; he bit his bottom lip, stifling the moan that threatened to break free along with his release.</p><p>
  <em>What the fuck am I doing?</em>
</p><p>It’s not like he didn’t masturbate. He still had urges that needed to be dealt with, but that’s usually all it was. A means to an end, quick &amp; efficient. He never really found himself focusing on much of anything.</p><p>There were a couple of times he’d thought about Mitsuba when he was younger, but after he left Bushuu it never felt right, somehow seemed so vulgar. And aside from her, there’d never been any other women in his life to speak of. An occasional one-night stand here or there, something to take the edge off, but even those were few &amp; far between &amp; nothing worth remembering. He cared for Mitsuba too much &amp; too little for all the rest.</p><p>So why did he suddenly find himself rutting into his own hand like a prepubescent cherry boy over some woman whose name he didn’t even know?</p><p>“Tch. Unbelievable.”</p><p>He held his hand under the water, washing away his cum along with the multitude of distractions cluttering his mind. This wasn’t the time to be having an existential crisis. He had Joui rebels to catch today.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>-------</p>
</div><p>
  <b> <em>Suspect is injured. Spotted heading toward Kabuki District.</em> </b>
</p><p>The radio of the police cruiser crackled loudly as Hijikata sped &amp; weaved through traffic. Sougo was hanging out the passenger side window, bazooka over his shoulder, ready to finish what he’d started.</p><p> </p><p>Shortly after dawn, the Shinsengumi launched their attack on the Joui rebels. Yamazaki’s intel had led them to a dilapidated building just outside Kabukichou. It was several stories tall &amp; had too many windows &amp; exits for Hijikata’s liking. He clicked his tongue irritably &amp; reached into his jacket for a cigarette.</p><p>“You men, over there. You, over there. I want two on the roof.” He barked orders “If you let a single rebel get past you, it’ll be seppuku! I want Katsura alive. The others, I don’t give a shit about. Now move!”</p><p>Hijikata’s squad, including Sougo, were assigned to direct combat. Their job was to engage the enemy, capture Katsura Kotarou &amp; try not to get killed in the process.</p><p>“Let’s kick some Joui ass.”</p><p>They flooded into the building &amp; fanned out, stalking down corridors &amp; kicking in doors. Systematically clearing each floor, they worked their way up until there was only one room left. It was quiet, too quiet, &amp; Hijikata didn’t like it. They were supposed to be the ones doing the ambushing, but it felt like they were walking into one instead.</p><p>“Stay alert.” he warned his men.</p><p>It was now or never. Hijikata kicked the door in.</p><p>“Finally! I’ve been standing here forever.. I should have posted signs.”</p><p>There was a large, handmade banner hanging on the wall that read “Welcome, Shinsengumi!” &amp; in the center of the room stood Katsura Kotarou, his sword held to Yamazaki’s throat.</p><p>“Come in, come in. Don’t be shy!”</p><p>The Joui leader didn’t look the least bit concerned as Hijikata’s men surrounded him.Yamazaki’s hands were bound in front of him, mouth gagged &amp; eyes wide.</p><p>
  <em>Shit.</em>
</p><p>This wasn’t part of the plan. When had his cover been blown?</p><p>“Katsura Kotarou. You’re under arrest.” Hijikata extended his arm, pointing his sword at the other man. His hand was steady despite his mind feverishly working to think of a way out of this that didn’t end with Yamazaki’s head on the floor.</p><p>“I’m not under arrest! I’m Katsura!”</p><p>As if on cue, Joui rebels dropped from their hiding place inside the ceiling.</p><p>Chaos erupted. The heavy clang of clashing swords echoed as the two opposing groups collided in battle.</p><p>Hijikata charged forward, ruthlessly cutting down enemies as he tried to clear a path to get to Yamazaki. He kept his eyes trained on Katsura, not wanting to let the escape artist out of his sight for even a second, &amp; that’s when he noticed it. Katsura was holding the <em>back</em> of his blade on Yamazaki.</p><p>
  <em>What the hell is this bastard playing at…</em>
</p><p>Not particularly caring to find out, he closed in, facing his opponent head on.</p><p>Taking advantage of the distraction provided by Hijikata’s straightforward attack, Sougo rushed the Joui leader from the side. Katsura shoved Yamazaki hard, sending him careening into Hijikata, &amp; barely had enough time to block the strike from the Captain. The two men leaned into one other, their blades scraping together, locked in struggle, neither able to gain the upper hand right away.</p><p>“You’re a dangerous one.” Katsura chuckled, registering the bloodlust in Sougo’s maroon eyes.</p><p>“And you’re cutting into my naptime.”</p><p>Sougo leapt back, breaking their stalemate, before immediately charging back in. He feinted his opponent, lifting his sword high over his head &amp; then suddenly dropping low, slashing at Katsura’s legs. The rebel threw himself out of the way, rolling across the floor &amp; quickly regaining his footing.</p><p>“Get off me, you idiot!” Hijikata growled, disentangling himself from Yamazaki &amp; kicking him out of the way “Sougo! The window!”</p><p>But it was too late. The room filled with smoke, stinging their eyes &amp; burning their lungs, &amp; Katsura was gone.</p><p>“Damn it!” Hijikata coughed “Is this.. is this fucking Nmaibo?!”</p><p>“Corn potage flavor.”</p><p>Hijikata glared at Sougo.</p><p>“Don’t worry.” Sougo held up his bloodied blade “He won’t get far.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Suspect reported entering Shin Shokudo*, eastside Kabukichou.</em> </b>
</p><p>“Hey, Hijikata-san. Isn’t that the place we went when you kidnapped me?” Sougo called from his perch in the window.</p><p>Hijikata felt the blood draining from his face. His knuckles turned white as his grip on the steering wheel tightened &amp; he slammed his foot down on the accelerator.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div><p>“Wait here in case he slips out.” Hijikata drew his sword as he approached the restaurant “And try not to blow up the entire city in the process.”</p><p>“Can’t make any promises.” Sougo shrugged.</p><p>Drawing a deep breath, Hijikata stepped inside. It was empty, but nothing looked out of place. There was no sign of a struggle. Sword at the ready, he made his way farther inside, slipping around the counter &amp; into the kitchen. Moving silently, he scanned the area.</p><p>As he approached the stairs, his heart suddenly dropped into his stomach. His arms fell to his sides &amp; he felt something that he hadn’t felt in a very long time; fear.</p><p>
  <em>Is that…</em>
</p><p>Sporadic splotches of fresh blood spattered &amp; smeared the steps leading to her room.</p><p>A surge of anger rose, replacing the hollow void in his chest with fire. The flames of his rage licked at his insides, setting him ablaze &amp; spurring him into action. Once again lifting his sword, he took the stairs two at a time. If anything had happened to her..</p><p> </p><p>“Zura, when are you going to stop this nonsense?”</p><p>She was chiding the Joui rebel with the same exasperated affection one would expect to hear when addressing a child. He was sprawled across her futon, yukata open, &amp; there were bloodied rags &amp; gauze littering the floor around them as she kneeled beside him, dutifully tending to the gash on his thigh.</p><p>“It’s not Zura, it’s – ow! Don’t be so rough!”</p><p>“Don’t be such a baby. You must really be losing your touch if you let this happen.”</p><p>Her fingers glided along the man’s thigh, tenderly tracing over the bandages she’d applied. Katsura reached up &amp; fondly rumpled her hair.</p><p>“Still so mean.” he laughed.</p><p> </p><p>“What the fuck is going on here?” Hijikata demanded, his voice coming out less authoritative &amp; more unsure than he liked.</p><p>The suspects in question jerked their heads in his direction. Katsura immediately sat up &amp; reached for his sword, but she placed a gentle hand on his wrist &amp; he stilled. Rising to her feet, she slowly took a step toward the officer.</p><p>“Toushirou…”</p><p>“Don’t!” he snapped “Don’t call me that.”</p><p>Hijikata was reeling. What was she doing with Katsura? Why was she helping him? What was their connection to one another? His head was spinning with questions &amp; it felt like the floor had been ripped out from under him, like he was falling, spiraling uncontrollably in the dark, reaching desperately for answers that he might not even want.</p><p>Her lips pulled into a thin, abject smile “Vice Commander. It’s not --”</p><p>“I know you’re not about to say, ‘it’s not what it looks like’ because it sure as hell looks like you’re aiding a wanted criminal.”</p><p>“It’s complicated.”</p><p>The way she said it was so calm, so matter-of-fact, like he was just supposed to accept it. It pissed him off!</p><p>“<em>Complicated?!</em>” he scoffed. “Then I’ll uncomplicate it. Katsura Kotarou, you’re under arrest &amp; don't even think about escaping this time!”</p><p>"Of course I'm going to escape..." Katsura mumbled, rolling his eyes "Idiot-cop."</p><p>Regaining his bearings, Hijikata moved forward, leveling his sword on the Joui leader. Unexpectedly, &amp; with unflinching resolve, she quickly stepped between the two men, firmly planting herself in front of the officer. Hijikata immediately came to a halt, the tip of his sword grazing against her throat as she stared at him.</p><p>“Who are you?” he asked quietly. It was the only thought he was capable of articulating in that moment.</p><p>“My name is Nakano. Nakano Takako*.”</p><p>“I know that name…”</p><p>He’d heard it before but couldn’t remember where. None of this was making any sense. He pressed his sword closer, letting his blade dig uncomfortably into fragile flesh.</p><p>“Get away from her.” Katsura, who had patiently tolerated being a mere bystander up until that point, intervened. “I’ll only warn you once.”</p><p>He was already on his feet, sword in hand, though he hadn’t drawn it yet. His yukata was still hanging open &amp; every muscle in his body was visibly tense, rigid with restraint &amp; ready to strike if Hijikata so much as breathed wrong.</p><p>“Zura, stop.” she held a hand out in attempt to placate her companion but otherwise did not move, never once breaking eye contact.</p><p>Hijikata stared back, icy blue against immovable brown. Her eyes brimmed with determination, just as striking &amp; powerful as the first time he'd noticed them, but there was something else present. Something searching, beseeching, drawing him into the shadowy realms of uncertainty &amp; he could feel himself wavering.</p><p>
  <em>Damn it! Why did you have to get involved in this?!</em>
</p><p>"Tch" he sheathed his sword "Next time, I’ll kill you both.”</p><p>Brusquely turning his back, he walked away.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>---</p>
</div><p>“Don’t point that fucking thing at me!”</p><p>Sougo lowered his bazooka, looking disappointed as Hijikata came storming out of the shokudo “What happened?”</p><p>“Nothing. He wasn’t there." he rumbled, shoving his hand into his jacket &amp; yanking out a cigarette. Brushing past Sougo, he headed for the car.</p><p>“Is that so…”</p><p>The Captain looked back, discerning eyes falling on the second story window, his gaze lingering as though he could see through both the walls &amp; Hijikata’s lies.</p><p>“Get in or I’ll leave you.” Hijikata threatened, slamming the door shut behind him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <i>*Shin Shokudo: Play on Shinya Shokudo (Midnight Diner), manga series by Yaro Abe. “Shin” means new but can also mean heart or soul depending on the kanji used. This is a reference to Takako’s relationship with Gintoki.</i>
</p><p>  <i>*Nakano Takako: Play on Nakano Takeko, onna-bugeisha (woman warrior). She was a leader of the Joushitai (girl’s army) &amp; is most prominently known for her role in the Battle of Aizu.</i></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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